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How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

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Named one of the “must-read” books of the season from Time, PopSugar, Behavioral Scientist, and more! A funny and practical guide to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams. Have you ever looked around and wondered, “Why has everyone found love except me?” You’re not the only one. Great relationships don’t just appear in our lives—they’re the culmina Named one of the “must-read” books of the season from Time, PopSugar, Behavioral Scientist, and more! A funny and practical guide to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams. Have you ever looked around and wondered, “Why has everyone found love except me?” You’re not the only one. Great relationships don’t just appear in our lives—they’re the culmination of a series of decisions, including whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, and when to commit to the right one. But our brains often get in the way. We make poor decisions, which thwart us on our quest to find lasting love. Drawing from years of research, behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury reveals the hidden forces that cause those mistakes. But awareness on its own doesn’t lead to results. You have to actually change your behavior. Ury shows you how. This book focuses on a different decision in each chapter, incorporating insights from behavioral science, original research, and real-life stories. You’ll learn: -What’s holding you back in dating (and how to break the pattern) -What really matters in a long-term partner (and what really doesn’t) -How to overcome the perils of online dating (and make the apps work for you) -How to meet more people in real life (while doing activities you love) -How to make dates fun again (so they stop feeling like job interviews) -Why “the spark” is a myth (but you’ll find love anyway) This data-driven, step-by-step guide to relationships, complete with hands-on exercises, is designed to transform your life. How to Not Die Alone will help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams.


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Named one of the “must-read” books of the season from Time, PopSugar, Behavioral Scientist, and more! A funny and practical guide to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams. Have you ever looked around and wondered, “Why has everyone found love except me?” You’re not the only one. Great relationships don’t just appear in our lives—they’re the culmina Named one of the “must-read” books of the season from Time, PopSugar, Behavioral Scientist, and more! A funny and practical guide to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams. Have you ever looked around and wondered, “Why has everyone found love except me?” You’re not the only one. Great relationships don’t just appear in our lives—they’re the culmination of a series of decisions, including whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, and when to commit to the right one. But our brains often get in the way. We make poor decisions, which thwart us on our quest to find lasting love. Drawing from years of research, behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury reveals the hidden forces that cause those mistakes. But awareness on its own doesn’t lead to results. You have to actually change your behavior. Ury shows you how. This book focuses on a different decision in each chapter, incorporating insights from behavioral science, original research, and real-life stories. You’ll learn: -What’s holding you back in dating (and how to break the pattern) -What really matters in a long-term partner (and what really doesn’t) -How to overcome the perils of online dating (and make the apps work for you) -How to meet more people in real life (while doing activities you love) -How to make dates fun again (so they stop feeling like job interviews) -Why “the spark” is a myth (but you’ll find love anyway) This data-driven, step-by-step guide to relationships, complete with hands-on exercises, is designed to transform your life. How to Not Die Alone will help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams.

30 review for How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

  1. 5 out of 5

    LM

    If the title doesn’t say it all, this is tedious and insulting to single people. Is dying alone the worst thing that could happen? Is being ‘alone’ really only define by not having a romantic partner? Continuously positing singleness as a ‘problem’ which needs to be ‘fixed’ is one thing, but trying to attach mathematical or scientific proof points to something which really amounts to nothing more than luck and the roll of the dice is nonsensical. Marry a man like the one you were dating at 16? T If the title doesn’t say it all, this is tedious and insulting to single people. Is dying alone the worst thing that could happen? Is being ‘alone’ really only define by not having a romantic partner? Continuously positing singleness as a ‘problem’ which needs to be ‘fixed’ is one thing, but trying to attach mathematical or scientific proof points to something which really amounts to nothing more than luck and the roll of the dice is nonsensical. Marry a man like the one you were dating at 16? That would be catastrophic for most. Find out the age you ‘should settle down’ and forget about ‘the spark’? Just sounds like settling. Rather than boiling down our complex personalities, characteristics and desires down to ‘three dating tendencies’, why aren’t we celebrating those who choose not to settle, who make the courageous decision to live life on their terms and not pin the answer to happiness and entry to ‘adulthood’ with coupling up? Haven’t we had enough of this from 90s teen magazines? Unfortunately single women (and note this ‘advice’ is really never aimed at men), are too often belittled and when they speak up are labelled as embittered or hiding their misery behind a facade of indignity. Not so. Stop making them victims and don’t threaten that dying alone is the worst that could happen to you just to sell copies. We all die alone.

  2. 4 out of 5

    Asher Abramson

    I got access to an early draft of this book. I'm now in the longest relationship of my life. I'm not saying correlation equals causation, but...this book definitely had an effect. It changed the way I think about what's really important. I got access to an early draft of this book. I'm now in the longest relationship of my life. I'm not saying correlation equals causation, but...this book definitely had an effect. It changed the way I think about what's really important.

  3. 4 out of 5

    Regina Escamilla

    Witty, practical, and evidence-based, Ury’s debut book is truly phenomenal. It’s packed with great information and real stories; there’s something in here for people along various stages of their romantic relationship journeys.

  4. 4 out of 5

    Brynn | readyourworriesaway

    Logan Ury’s debut is a modern guide to dating. It helps you identify your dating habits and work towards finding your person! Logan is the Director of Relationship Science @hinge, so this book is filled with dating advice and behavioral science research. How to Not Die Alone has something for everyone. You will be give action steps to ensure you head in the right direction. Ury also shares some of her clients’ success stories, which will only encourage you more to take her advice! How to Not Die Logan Ury’s debut is a modern guide to dating. It helps you identify your dating habits and work towards finding your person! Logan is the Director of Relationship Science @hinge, so this book is filled with dating advice and behavioral science research. How to Not Die Alone has something for everyone. You will be give action steps to ensure you head in the right direction. Ury also shares some of her clients’ success stories, which will only encourage you more to take her advice! How to Not Die Alone will guide you through the waters of dating, no matter where you are at in your relationship journey.

  5. 5 out of 5

    Sara

    I have read maybe 3 other relationship books, but this is by far the best one I have ever read. The advice was rather sound for finding and keeping love and she included practical exercises for working through your emotions and thoughts. She did give me some things to think about in terms of approaching dating, deciding when to keep seeing someone and when to break up with them, bad habits in dating that you want to look out for. I thought a lot of the exercises were meaningful and helpful in bu I have read maybe 3 other relationship books, but this is by far the best one I have ever read. The advice was rather sound for finding and keeping love and she included practical exercises for working through your emotions and thoughts. She did give me some things to think about in terms of approaching dating, deciding when to keep seeing someone and when to break up with them, bad habits in dating that you want to look out for. I thought a lot of the exercises were meaningful and helpful in building and maintaining relationships as well. I liked the chapters on "f*** the spark' for instance. I liked her anecdotes with her friends and clients on how she helped them break habits and find love or get out of unhelpful patterns. My only critiques are: I feel like ... there maybe a bit of ageism and judgement about older women looking for love? Like she talks about freezing her eggs at 31 (as if most people can afford that) and presses readers as if they shrivel up at 35. I didn't agree on a few points, but found the majority of it very readable and smart. It flows very well and doesn't ever get boring. I think it's a good book on relationships for singletons or people at a crossroads, though less so for people in relationships already (the last chapter is solid though). Recommended.

  6. 4 out of 5

    Caitlin O'Connor

    Wow, this book. First “page turner” I’ve experienced in awhile, especially for a self-help book! Note this is my “stricter” rating system so 5 is truly out of the park. While this book is mostly geared towards single folk 🙋‍♀️I think it would also be super useful for folks in long term relationships (especially the third section/relationship contract/weekly check in) It’s crazy how the patterns in my life start to elucidate themselves across different spectrum. Maximization and fear of failure def Wow, this book. First “page turner” I’ve experienced in awhile, especially for a self-help book! Note this is my “stricter” rating system so 5 is truly out of the park. While this book is mostly geared towards single folk 🙋‍♀️I think it would also be super useful for folks in long term relationships (especially the third section/relationship contract/weekly check in) It’s crazy how the patterns in my life start to elucidate themselves across different spectrum. Maximization and fear of failure definitely define me (hellooooo 3s on the enneagram) and it was great to read about it in the context of a relationship. Ury brings up a lot of psychological concepts (loss aversion, decision points, etc) + studies which just had me saying yes yes yes!! Makes so much sense 💡 Also how REFRESHING to hear relationship advice from a female that’s still assertive/successful in her career. I felt like I related much more to Logan than either 1. Male experts 2. Female experts who want a Prince Charming This book encouraged me to get off my butt during Covid and pursue the apps again, we’ll see if it works out but regardless I know I will refer back to many of these lessons/tips during the rest of my life.

  7. 5 out of 5

    Dimitrij Aleshkov

    Scientist based exploration why we do choose our partners the way we do. Dating is a bit magic nowadays without logical thinking, but if we just be more rational in our decisions it would help us be more happy with our partners! Really easy guide how to date and what should we focused on! The society with a lot of chooses we living in giving us hard time to make right one. Book is eye opener to why tinder and other apps does not really work for a lot of us. Read it and make better relationship d Scientist based exploration why we do choose our partners the way we do. Dating is a bit magic nowadays without logical thinking, but if we just be more rational in our decisions it would help us be more happy with our partners! Really easy guide how to date and what should we focused on! The society with a lot of chooses we living in giving us hard time to make right one. Book is eye opener to why tinder and other apps does not really work for a lot of us. Read it and make better relationship decisions!

  8. 4 out of 5

    Molly

    I finished this book in a weekend and found it pretty delightful. Excited that my friend (yes, disclaimer / humblebrag: I know the author) Logan has now shared her insights with the masses! Logan covers the entire relationship life cycle, from that first toe dip into the dating pool to the work required to maintain a healthy relationship long term (or the preparation needed to know when and how to END a relationship in a productive way). Some of the frameworks presented present people as less mul I finished this book in a weekend and found it pretty delightful. Excited that my friend (yes, disclaimer / humblebrag: I know the author) Logan has now shared her insights with the masses! Logan covers the entire relationship life cycle, from that first toe dip into the dating pool to the work required to maintain a healthy relationship long term (or the preparation needed to know when and how to END a relationship in a productive way). Some of the frameworks presented present people as less multidimensional than I think they are in practice, but this style of oversimplification seems unavoidable in this kind of gen-pop self-help genre. Whether you are single, partnered, or somewhere in between, there are valuable takeaways for you to apply to your romantic life and even interpersonal relationships more generally. I want to give it as a gift to a few friends in particular, but that feels weird tbh, so I'll settle for writing this review in hopes those folks somehow get the subliminal message.

  9. 5 out of 5

    Benjamin Newmark

    An excellent modern take on the trials and tribulations of finding, and keeping, love

  10. 4 out of 5

    Jacob Mainwaring

    This was a fun, entertaining read. I wouldn’t normally read a book about romance but was drawn in by the research underpinning it. My favorite part was probably the three archetypes of people who have trouble settling down - romanticizers, maximizers, and hesitaters. This is a really good breakdown and I’ve seen examples of all three (including when I look in the mirror)! I was already familiar with most of the behavioral science research behind the book, which made it less interesting, but I th This was a fun, entertaining read. I wouldn’t normally read a book about romance but was drawn in by the research underpinning it. My favorite part was probably the three archetypes of people who have trouble settling down - romanticizers, maximizers, and hesitaters. This is a really good breakdown and I’ve seen examples of all three (including when I look in the mirror)! I was already familiar with most of the behavioral science research behind the book, which made it less interesting, but I think that’s my own fault - it’s a field I’ve been deeply interested in for a while. I think this would be especially worth reading for most of my friends (young, living in big cities) who face some of unique new dating challenges described in the book.

  11. 4 out of 5

    Remy Fuentes

    How To Not Die Alone by Logan Ury I really enjoyed this book. This book is about Intentional Love. Great relationships are created, not discovered. The author, Logan Ury, is a self-employed dating coach and her previous profession is being a Behavioral Scientist for the app Hinge as well as doing some work with Google in their behavioral research unit. The strengths of this book are the plentiful references to behavioral science/research and practical tools and advice provided (and lots of citat How To Not Die Alone by Logan Ury I really enjoyed this book. This book is about Intentional Love. Great relationships are created, not discovered. The author, Logan Ury, is a self-employed dating coach and her previous profession is being a Behavioral Scientist for the app Hinge as well as doing some work with Google in their behavioral research unit. The strengths of this book are the plentiful references to behavioral science/research and practical tools and advice provided (and lots of citations in the back as well as other books that sound interesting cited throughout). There are activities throughout the book and an Appendix of activities. I might recommend this book to someone even if they weren’t looking for a romantic relationship- the research itself is interesting on its own and there really is a lot of it presented. The book is (obviously) most useful for those that are actively dating or seeking a life partner, but potentially interesting to all. It’s an easy and engaging read. The main drawback of this book is that it is clearly targeted at millennials, especially older millennials, so not all might relate to the advice or style of dating the author promotes. Additionally, the tone of the author is cheesy and she points out her own jokes after she makes them - I think younger millennials will find that tone annoying while older millennials might find it more charming. I found it annoying at first and then I got over it because the book is interesting and I was being cynical. I think people prone to cynicism won’t even give this book much of a chance even if they might benefit (which probably goes for cynics and most self-help books). The book is about being open to learning about yourself and having personal growth by learning about yourself as a dater as well as who you are and what you bring to a relationship. If I ever date seriously again, I’d like to date someone open to reading this kind of self-help, or at least letting me introduce some of the activities. In my last relationship, something that really worked for me is that we both liked self-help/personal growth so we could make pacts like “this is how we argue” or “this is how we apologize.” Ury begins the book by talking about The Three Dating Tendencies and how to identify and overcome each one: Maximizer, Romanticizer, Hesitater. I thought for sure that I would be a Romanticizer when I read the names of the tendencies, and then it turned out I was actually most like a Hesitater, right now and even before my last relationship. I loved my last partner a lot and even knowing I liked him a lot, I had to be talked into the relationship and fortunately that man had the drive and patience to seek out my love. I had characteristics of the other two tendencies as well which I think is how most people will land when reading about them (a mix of all three with maybe one stronger). I think the quizzes and advice in this section are interesting if someone is willing to admit to themselves that they have a problem, or mix of these problems. I personally like that this book simplifies behavioral science (and references it often) as well as provides advice that is about being introspective and reframing a lot of the time. It seems like really “simple” advice and exercises, but if you’re someone willing to take a dive and elaborate while doing exercises and answering questions, then you will find success in using this book I think, or at least parts of it will be useful to each reader. One of the most interesting chapters of this book, to me, is about how people think they know what they want, but dating apps actually skew our view of what we want in a partner A LOT. For instance, dating apps are limited by the information they can reliably capture and catalog: height, age, college, job, photos, etc. The author then goes on to describe columns/research by notable behavioral scientists and behavioral economists that elaborate on how humans adjust behavior based on metrics. And that’s only the beginning of the chapter! She gives an abundance of other reasons how people might be accidentally filtering good matches when browsing apps. Ultimately, what I liked the most about this chapter is that it points out how people aren’t as thoughtful as they think they are. This book is truly self-help in that it is pointing out how the reader might not be as thoughtful as they think they are and then providing helpful research, tools, and advice on how to be more thoughtful. I find it common that some authors of self-help books are overly indulgent in their own journey so that the book is interesting, but not necessarily relatable. This author is definitely self-indulgent with her tone and jokes, but if you can read past that, most of the information provided is just useful for the reader. Also, I found out that I’m the kind of person that might actually benefit from dating in real life rather than apps based on my outgoing personality and love of shared hobbies/interests. Lastly, I think it’s useful that the author points out the flaws of apps not to encourage readers to avoid using them, but just to use them more tactfully and be aware of the limitations as they swipe. I also really enjoyed reading advice that I already use and getting validation from this book as well as learning about my edges for growth. For instance, Ury recommends setting up ‘defaults’ for dating, especially for hesitaters and maximizers. I laughed because I have been doing that a long time. If I go on a date and I feel neutral, I always kiss the person. And if the kiss is good, then why not have sex? My other default is I try to stay mostly sober for every first date I am taking seriously and isn’t just a hookup in my mind. Ury would recommend that I treat all dates like that probably, but not all of us are always looking for a partner when we date. This book is good for identifying the strengths you might already have as well as discovering your edges. The book also goes over topics such as: attachment theory and how your attachment style relates to how you might date, looking for a Life Partner and not a Prom Date, how to be better at online dating and some of the research, how to date in real life (if you want to give online dating a break), how to create better dates, fallacies about dating (the “spark”), bringing your best self before during relationship milestones/how to have milestone conversations, deciding if you should break up, how to break up with someone, how to overcome breakups and gain from them (HELL YEAH PERSONAL GROWTH), and evaluating marriage in your relationship. The millennial perspective is really strong in the chapters about relationship milestones and how to break up with someone because the author addresses how many young adults just live with each other out of necessity and/or comfort. Again, not something that an older person will necessarily relate to as much. This review doesn’t do this book justice because I’m too lazy to go back and cite the really interesting research the author provides. The research isn’t always necessarily about dating, but mostly human behavior and Ury applies the knowledge we have of human behavior to how we might approach dating. Doing the digging to read all that behavioral science research on your own and make these connections to dating seems like a daunting task and fortunately, it doesn’t have to be because Ury does the work for you so you can just focus on your self-discovery.

  12. 5 out of 5

    Nico Robin

    This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. This book is super intentionally needed in my life right now. I’m 23 years old and NBSB. There are guys trying to talk to me but ends up stopping along the way because I’m such a bitch and I don’t forking entertain them. I’ll be candor. I feel like they don’t deserve me. Did I say that I am entitled bitch, too? Yep. People ask me if someone’s courting me or just interested. I always answer that none even there are. I am also socially awkward and I don’t know to be vulnerable around other people This book is super intentionally needed in my life right now. I’m 23 years old and NBSB. There are guys trying to talk to me but ends up stopping along the way because I’m such a bitch and I don’t forking entertain them. I’ll be candor. I feel like they don’t deserve me. Did I say that I am entitled bitch, too? Yep. People ask me if someone’s courting me or just interested. I always answer that none even there are. I am also socially awkward and I don’t know to be vulnerable around other people that I don’t even know. Lol In relation to that, I learned a lot from this book. As a fan of romance films and books BEFORE, I’ve been unconciously focusing my perspective to romantic stuff like “love at first sight”, “love chemistry”, and all sorts of stuff that only fictional things can offer. Yep, let’s be realistic. Now, I limited those genres and committed to non-fiction helpful books. This is one of those books that looks interesting. HOW TO NOT DIE ALONE is a crazy title because dying is a profound topic. So are you saying that dying alone is a miserable thing? What do you call those people who lost their partner then they died? How do you prevent that stuff? Then the next line follows: “THE SURPRISING SCIENCE TO HELP YOU FIND LOVE” and okay, maybe it will REALLY help me find love or just even experience it. I’m mentally love guru but experience-based is nah –just awkward. This books taught me that love is not instant unlike our modern lives today. It does not happen at first sight, crazy chemistry, and in short “not your Disney and K-drama stories.” Here I am waiting for the one but maybe waiting for nothing. I don’t go out and obviously don’t entertain opposite sex either online or in person. Here I am thinking that someone will be super patient and courageous to understand my crazy quirks. Now, I became hopeles thinking that I MUST go out and date. That sucks. But this is the reality of love. Go outside your house and meet other people. Don’t be depressed over someone who haven’t DTR and ghosted you. Yep, happened to me and it’s traumatizing since he was my best friend. Always be platonic. And don’t assume unless stated. That’s what I learned in my past. That’s not considered dating because we didn’t actually went together by just two of us. Marrying is also DIFFICULT. You don’t marry someone just because you are heads over heels over them. Love subsides over time and breaking-up is an awkward situation. But this book is super helpful. I hope to find my boyfriend and hopefully husband and apply these information that I acquired. Gosh, I can’t really see this future of myself. I don’t use social media to attract people and obviously not in person because BLUETOOTH EARPHONES ARE THE BEST. Listen to music and ignore the world. I don’t even check who are the people sitting besides me when I am commuting in public transportations. The not using of earphones is an advise of Logan Ury (the author) because this signifies that you don’t want to interact to other people. She said to be open and let other people talk to you. Maybe I’ll be pressured to date someone if I reach my turning age of 25 years old. But this book is helpful. I just don’t want to be pressured to dating as of the moment. I am happy being single and being the 5th wheel during friends’ outing. Yep. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

  13. 5 out of 5

    Hannah

    This book made my heart grow three sizes, Grinch-style. I finished it about a week ago and have already given copies to three people. Yes, really. They’re friends across the spectrum of life experiences: in their 20s and 60s, politically conservative, liberal, religious, agnostic, male, female, straight, queer, recently divorced, perpetually single, and currently in a relationship. That’s how widely applicable I think this book is. It’s also one of the reasons I picked it up: By not having obviou This book made my heart grow three sizes, Grinch-style. I finished it about a week ago and have already given copies to three people. Yes, really. They’re friends across the spectrum of life experiences: in their 20s and 60s, politically conservative, liberal, religious, agnostic, male, female, straight, queer, recently divorced, perpetually single, and currently in a relationship. That’s how widely applicable I think this book is. It’s also one of the reasons I picked it up: By not having obvious “his and her”-coded toothbrushes on the cover, I felt How to Not Die Alone might be consciously LGBT-friendly, and I was right. It’s clear that Logan Ury made a real effort to reach a wide audience. I’ve never read a dating book before because they’re often marketed in this creepy, hyper-heteronormative way that really freaks me out. Ury’s isn’t like that. She’s chill. She's everything you want from a good cognitive behavioral therapist: Her tone is humorous and light, sincere and forgiving, open-minded and compassionate. She’s teaching us about evidence-based techniques for healthy communication and translating those techniques into dating-specific advice. Some of the studies she cites are old school, landmark studies in behavioral psychology, and I learned about them in my Psych 101 class years ago. But it was still worth re-learning about those studies because I had never applied them to dating before. A lot of the studies are much more recent, though, giving us new insight into healthy and clear communication. The book also works for a broad audience because she talks about everything from how to find dating opportunities (both in apps and IRL) to how to maintain a healthy relationship, how to break up if necessary, when and whether to move in together and/or marry, and why people get divorced. That’s a lot for one book, and it’s so well-organized that it completely works. More than anything, this book just healed me of a lot of shame I didn’t realize I was harboring. I feel more open to talking and thinking about dating, about potentially setting my friends up on dates, and about simply admitting that I might want a partner someday. This book singlehandedly got me over a long-term crush that was going nowhere, and it made me realize I've probably passed good potential partners by in the past (and won't be making that mistake again!). Like any good therapist, Logan Ury helps us identify our needs and communicate them openly. At the same time, I think I’m on my way to becoming a better friend to the people in my life. In the past I’ve been unhelpful when it comes to dating advice, but now I feel I have the tools to help both myself and my loved ones form more meaningful connections. That’s pretty powerful stuff. Books are amazing. <3

  14. 4 out of 5

    Shruthi

    Hmm I have mixed feelings. I really liked how much practical advice was included; actual concrete things that could easily be incorporated into your lives. There was also a lot of great 'scripts' on how to handle difficult conversations (DTR, breakups, etc.). I also found some parts incredibly relatable. As I was reading her section on dating "styles", I could easily tell which categories my friends fell into and it was very intuitive. My problem with the book is that I am very much a science orie Hmm I have mixed feelings. I really liked how much practical advice was included; actual concrete things that could easily be incorporated into your lives. There was also a lot of great 'scripts' on how to handle difficult conversations (DTR, breakups, etc.). I also found some parts incredibly relatable. As I was reading her section on dating "styles", I could easily tell which categories my friends fell into and it was very intuitive. My problem with the book is that I am very much a science oriented person. Which means I need data and proof. The author would frequently introduce a psychological fact (like framing, actor-observer bias) that is definitely based in science and then connect it to dating. And while some of these connections seem valid and evidence based, some of them are a lot flimsier. I didn't think she did a good enough job of indicating what was just her opinion as a dating coach and what she knew to be fact as a behavioral scientist. I did really enjoy reading about the dating related studies. But nonetheless, I thought there were a lot of great insights in this book and she has a very interesting perspective on how to date more effectively. I really liked how diverse and inclusive this book was, it wasn't targeted towards like straight, white, Christian couples as most books in this vein tend to be; most anyone can read this book and get something out of it. Although if you're divorced or have a child, I don't think this'll be super helpful since the advice is a little too simplistic. She also talks about everything from online dating to IRL to how to plan dates to how to know if you should get married. It's incredibly comprehensive for such a diverse book. It's also very accessible but I think the author tries a little too hard to be funny (too many little jokes in brackets, you know). My biggest problem with the concept of this book however comes near the end. It's called How to Not Die Alone. Yet, at the end, as Ury explains divorce rates and marital satisfaction rates it kinda made me want to just die alone as that honestly seems preferable. But from the other reviews, it seems like that chapter didn't really make anyone else feel cynical so maybe this is just a me problem. Also I read the author's modern love column and honestly that's the best review for this book, the knowledge that this info in this book led to her incredibly sweet relationship.

  15. 4 out of 5

    Meg

    Helpful, informative and fun?! 5 stars! To put it simply, this book is one of the most structured, well-written and intensively researched books on behavioural sciences I've read in recent times. Modern Love by Aziz Ansari comes close, but I'd say this one helped me identify my (and many others') blind-spots during these trying times of dating in the 21st century. I specifically liked how the author wasn't pessimistic about anything this book advices against (trust me, most of them tend to be). S Helpful, informative and fun?! 5 stars! To put it simply, this book is one of the most structured, well-written and intensively researched books on behavioural sciences I've read in recent times. Modern Love by Aziz Ansari comes close, but I'd say this one helped me identify my (and many others') blind-spots during these trying times of dating in the 21st century. I specifically liked how the author wasn't pessimistic about anything this book advices against (trust me, most of them tend to be). She simply tried to streamline our ideas on finding a life-partner and reasoned it out with statistical data that supports the same. It did not seem like an info dump and genuinely came off as useful, friendly advice for single people seeking exactly that. My biggest takeaway is that it tells us how important it is to shift focus from what we see to how we feel . This book is equally great if you're already in a relationship and are just interested in learning the general human behaviour that comes into picture while trying to seek out love. It is an easy read and there will definitely be portions of the book that you either individually relate to, or have dated someone in the past who fits within the sandbox of exactly what is being described as good/bad. Loved it and will be recommending this to a lot of people this year. PS- Let me mention that this book is for people who want to find and retain long-term relationships. If you find that very idea obsolete to begin with, this book is not for you. Being single is great too. This book only functions as an extra guideline to people who want to be in long-term, committed relationships, but have a hard time finding exactly that.

  16. 4 out of 5

    Elizabeth

    Well, this was actually pretty good, and even more importantly, helpful. I don’t love the title because it feels exposing, but hey, it’s true. I heard an interview with the author on NPR, learned about how her book connected dating with the associated behavioral science literature, including calling out the greats like the Dan’s (Ariely and Savage), and was sold. I really liked the writing voice of this book. I felt—mostly—like the target audience: millennial (barely), middle class or higher, in Well, this was actually pretty good, and even more importantly, helpful. I don’t love the title because it feels exposing, but hey, it’s true. I heard an interview with the author on NPR, learned about how her book connected dating with the associated behavioral science literature, including calling out the greats like the Dan’s (Ariely and Savage), and was sold. I really liked the writing voice of this book. I felt—mostly—like the target audience: millennial (barely), middle class or higher, in the Bay Area, and being white can’t hurt either. Also, as it happens, one of the author’s best friends is a family friend of mine who has known me all my life. Regardless, the writing is simple and matter-of-fact but still spirited, not taking herself too too seriously. I feel like I have an instruction manual to lead me through all chapters of the relationship encyclopedia, though reading the marriage chapters felt a little silly because first I need to overcome my “hesitater” status. While queer identities are acknowledged, there isn’t as much behavioral science research on LGBTQ groups, which limits insights. And I was unsurprised but nevertheless still wish that my flavor of identity (ace umbrella) was included. In the end, I’m seriously considering buying this book to have on hand for a pep talk or reference. Now how to buy this book without feeling like I’m being outed as a desperate and lonely single?!

  17. 5 out of 5

    Cristina

    Great book (4.5/5). It's not just evidence based research and anecdotal stories about finding love, but even information about how to navigate conflict, how to break up (or if you should), how to handle breakup, etc. I appreciated the chapter with online dating because meeting IRL can be more difficult (esp during COV*D). It's got quizzes, prompts, and exercises for you to work through. She's funny and I appreciate the no BS attitude! As someone who usually has secure attachment style, I didn't l Great book (4.5/5). It's not just evidence based research and anecdotal stories about finding love, but even information about how to navigate conflict, how to break up (or if you should), how to handle breakup, etc. I appreciated the chapter with online dating because meeting IRL can be more difficult (esp during COV*D). It's got quizzes, prompts, and exercises for you to work through. She's funny and I appreciate the no BS attitude! As someone who usually has secure attachment style, I didn't learn as much from the book as I thought I would. Even so, I was glad that many of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences were confirmed after getting back on the apps and meeting a few duds. I hope more cishet men in their 30s+ read this book because they generally are the ones with the emotional issues, poor communication skills, bad attitudes, and the notion of "the one" is out there, or looking for "the spark" (which I have always felt to be a myth, too!). My personal dating advice that I think the author would agree with: run from anyone's dating profile that lists they are looking for "no drama" or "stable women." Honestly, I took off 1/2 a star because it could have been longer in some areas. I think she tries to combat this by offering other author's work which I did appreciate, but a list would have been great. Logan, you need a workbook :)

  18. 5 out of 5

    Charly

    I read a lot of relationship books for a woman who’s been single since Obama was in office. This book helped me identify that I tend to be a Romanticizer — that I tend to view my romantic arc as leading up to getting Prince Charming, and discount the effort of being in a long-term, committed relationship. Maybe it’s because we’re the same age, with similar values, but I definitely didn’t feel shamed or condescended to. She addresses the needs of the childfree as a real dealbreaker not just a pet I read a lot of relationship books for a woman who’s been single since Obama was in office. This book helped me identify that I tend to be a Romanticizer — that I tend to view my romantic arc as leading up to getting Prince Charming, and discount the effort of being in a long-term, committed relationship. Maybe it’s because we’re the same age, with similar values, but I definitely didn’t feel shamed or condescended to. She addresses the needs of the childfree as a real dealbreaker not just a pet peeve, which made me feel seen. I did leave the book thinking that I might not be a LTR woman. I’m not sure how to feel about this — Ury published a Modern Love column about her newlywed husband’s amputation that made me cry — because it does seem like happy marriages are all alike. Those of us who are unhappy when we’re dating are each unhappy in our own way. I think her advice would be to be intentional even in living without dating seriously. I can’t help but think that maybe it is a me thing; maybe I’m not the person who can be someone’s “for worse.” I’m glad that Millennials are entering this space, even if the brutal reality is that we seem to be something of a lost generation in terms of projections of how many of us are likely to find lasting love. :-/ It may be that COVID-19 will cause a seismic shift and I’m underestimating how much can change in the future.

  19. 5 out of 5

    Matt

    This book counters many toxic myths about dating and relationships and shares some important truths: relationships are not mysterious things that happen to you, rather well studied dynamics that can be built with intention and care (and require work!). The advice in here is well researched, practical, and useful to anyone. I do want to call out some things that don't detract from the advice in the book, but are good to know going in. One is that the book's utility is limited during the pandemic ( This book counters many toxic myths about dating and relationships and shares some important truths: relationships are not mysterious things that happen to you, rather well studied dynamics that can be built with intention and care (and require work!). The advice in here is well researched, practical, and useful to anyone. I do want to call out some things that don't detract from the advice in the book, but are good to know going in. One is that the book's utility is limited during the pandemic (which of course it does not mention in the interest of being applicable beyond this time). I read it at the beginning of vaccine rollout, but will have to wait to put most of it into action. Another thing is that the book speaks very much to young, childless, never married daters. If you are divorced and/or a parent everything in the book is still applicable, but you likely also have additional complications that the book does not cover. In the same vein, all the examples in the book are of young, childless, well off professionals. If that's not you the book is still 100% applicable, but you won't see as much of yourself reflected in the examples. Overall I 100% recommend this book to anyone who is dating or thinking about dating, it's great.

  20. 4 out of 5

    Sarah S.

    As far as dating advice books are concerned, this book rocked (4.5/5). I have dated a ton (with varying degrees of happiness and success) and feel no particular pressure to "settle down", though I would like to stop dating hot assholes. I am definitely a "maximizer" and I never really challenged that dynamic until reading this book -- with a few of the chapters, I can see myself trying to be more open-minded and less rigid in my 'requirements' in a potential partner. I would say about half of th As far as dating advice books are concerned, this book rocked (4.5/5). I have dated a ton (with varying degrees of happiness and success) and feel no particular pressure to "settle down", though I would like to stop dating hot assholes. I am definitely a "maximizer" and I never really challenged that dynamic until reading this book -- with a few of the chapters, I can see myself trying to be more open-minded and less rigid in my 'requirements' in a potential partner. I would say about half of the chapters weren't particular relevant to me in my particular stage of life (as someone who is comfortable going on dates/meeting new people *and* is not at the stage to consider marriage) but, with that being said, I think it was definitely interesting and provided a lot to think about for the future. Lastly, I find the author wildly nice and reassuring. There isn't any insinuation that you're "incomplete" if you haven't found "The One", or that being single is a "problem", or whatever some of these other reviewers are suggesting. She actually doesn't even believe in "The One"...? I'd suggest actually reading the book. Though, if you're single and have no interest in dating, then perhaps it's a good one to sit out...? :)

  21. 5 out of 5

    Kun Shao

    The title sounds cliché but the content is actually more scientific than what the title might suggest. 😅 The book includes a quiz that help you identify your dating tendencies. The Romanticizer You want the soul mate, the happily ever after—the whole fairy tale. You love love. You believe you are single because you haven’t met the right person yet. Your motto: It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen. The Maximizer You love doing research, exploring all of your options, turning over every stone until The title sounds cliché but the content is actually more scientific than what the title might suggest. 😅 The book includes a quiz that help you identify your dating tendencies. The Romanticizer You want the soul mate, the happily ever after—the whole fairy tale. You love love. You believe you are single because you haven’t met the right person yet. Your motto: It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen. The Maximizer You love doing research, exploring all of your options, turning over every stone until you’re confident you’ve found the right one. You make decisions carefully. And you want to be 100 percent certain about something before you make your choice. Your motto: Why settle? The Hesitater You don’t think you’re ready for dating because you’re not the person you want to be yet. You hold yourself to a high standard. You want to feel completely ready before you start a new project; the same goes for dating. Your motto: I’ll wait until I’m a catch. Each tendency represents unrealistic expectations: the romanticizer- unrealistic expectations about relationships The maximizer - unrealistic expectations about the other person The hesitater - unrealistic expectations about yourself Interesting book to help with self awareness. Thanks Jiahui for the recommendation.

  22. 4 out of 5

    Andrea

    So many books all in one, simple, doable book This has so many helpful topics for relationships. From attachment theory (and tendencies and how to recognize your own and partner's), relationships tendencies (I'm a maximizer!!), and differences between Hitchers and Ditchers and how to recognize and make conscious decisions (decide vs slide). I appreciate the practical information from online dating and meeting people (widen your filters), what *really* matters in a partner, and how to create meani So many books all in one, simple, doable book This has so many helpful topics for relationships. From attachment theory (and tendencies and how to recognize your own and partner's), relationships tendencies (I'm a maximizer!!), and differences between Hitchers and Ditchers and how to recognize and make conscious decisions (decide vs slide). I appreciate the practical information from online dating and meeting people (widen your filters), what *really* matters in a partner, and how to create meaningful dates rather than interviews (or interrogations!!). There is a section to help decide to end or mend the relationship (and how for each!), how to create deep, meaningful, conscious relationships (complete with break up, relationship, and marriage contracts created intentionally). I love the combination of exercises, scientific studies, and practical advice. I would highly recommend this to everyone! Even my parents (married 40+ years) can benefit from weekly check ins and intentional check ins. The author's sense of humor made me laugh out loud several times! Highly appreciated and recommended! Read it, apply it, and create the relationship you love!

  23. 4 out of 5

    Jen Noir

    I picked up this book after seeing it on NPR and i was intrigued by the idea of “the spark” being a myth. Certainly true in my dating experience. Written by Hinge’s relationship scientist, this book offers interesting insight on how we think about finding potential partners. **Key Takeaways from the chapter “F*ck the Spark, How to Reject Myths about Instant Chemistry” 1. F*ck the spark. Fireworks and instant chemistry are often absent at the beginning of a relationship. Chemistry can build over ti I picked up this book after seeing it on NPR and i was intrigued by the idea of “the spark” being a myth. Certainly true in my dating experience. Written by Hinge’s relationship scientist, this book offers interesting insight on how we think about finding potential partners. **Key Takeaways from the chapter “F*ck the Spark, How to Reject Myths about Instant Chemistry” 1. F*ck the spark. Fireworks and instant chemistry are often absent at the beginning of a relationship. Chemistry can build over time. 2. Context matters. You may not feel the spark with someone simply because of the environment in which you meet. 3. The spark is not always a good thing. That feeling of chemistry may actually be anxiety because that person doesn’t make it clear how they feel about you. Sometimes the presence of a spark is more of an indication of how charming someone is or how narcissistic and less a sign of a shared connection. 4. If you feel the spark, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is viable. Even if it leads to a LTR, It’s not enough to keep the relationship going nor is it a sign that you’re meant to be together. 5. Ditch the spark and go after the slow burn.

  24. 5 out of 5

    Will Hubbell

    I could write a lot about this book. The short version is this: 1. I’m a fan of behavioral psychology and this definitely has plenty of that in it 2. Never have I read a book that is more San Francisco than this. Silicon Valley’s culture is more than a little autistic and this book has plenty of that in it as well. There are some points in it where I was thinking “you cannot be THIS naive,” such as when she suggests that people are attracted to attractive people because they think they’ll be bette I could write a lot about this book. The short version is this: 1. I’m a fan of behavioral psychology and this definitely has plenty of that in it 2. Never have I read a book that is more San Francisco than this. Silicon Valley’s culture is more than a little autistic and this book has plenty of that in it as well. There are some points in it where I was thinking “you cannot be THIS naive,” such as when she suggests that people are attracted to attractive people because they think they’ll be better at sex. 3. The jokes about the title write themselves. 4. There seems to be an unspoken assumption that if you’re reading this book, you’re not going to change significantly as a person. 5. She spends a lot of time railing against “the spark.” But I’d be very curious to read some science about what “the spark” actually is. My guess would have to do with values, both conscious and unconscious. 6. Imagine a dark future in which people need to be incentivized to get together and procreate for the needs of the homeland. This is the manual that would be prescribed and by which you would be judged by your mating supervisor. 7. It’s been helpful in some ways in just getting me back out there!

  25. 4 out of 5

    Taylor Ball

    Despite the embarrassing title, this is the best dating book I’ve read so far! Unlike other dating books written by dating gurus who base their advice off of their own experience or their clients’ experience, Logan Ury (a current Hinge executive, a former Googler and a psychology graduate from Harvard) gives advice backed by consumer behaviour and psychology. Every piece of advice is justified. She also throws in lots of real life examples for good measure. I also really liked how this book didn’ Despite the embarrassing title, this is the best dating book I’ve read so far! Unlike other dating books written by dating gurus who base their advice off of their own experience or their clients’ experience, Logan Ury (a current Hinge executive, a former Googler and a psychology graduate from Harvard) gives advice backed by consumer behaviour and psychology. Every piece of advice is justified. She also throws in lots of real life examples for good measure. I also really liked how this book didn’t tell the reader how to act, but rather guided them in their decision making at every stage of a relationship. As a big fan of consumer behaviour, I knew a lot of the concepts in the book; however, I did appreciate seeing them applied to dating and learning new dating specific theories. Also, this is the only dating book I’ve come across that is gender and LGTBQ inclusive. The examples are relevant to men and women, regardless of sexual orientation. If you’re looking for some dating advice, this is where I recommend you start. 8.7 hours on kobo

  26. 4 out of 5

    Cindy

    How Not to Die Alone is that rare type of self-help book that manages to be both fun and insightful. When I received my copy in the mail, my roommates and I immediately started taking the quiz to figure out which archetype we were (surprise, we're an apartment full of Maximizers). Moreover, the book is engaging, and Logan's look at the end-to-end lifespan of a relationship is a fresh take that distills many dating-related myths, from "sparks" to texting your ex. And in spite of the data-driven le How Not to Die Alone is that rare type of self-help book that manages to be both fun and insightful. When I received my copy in the mail, my roommates and I immediately started taking the quiz to figure out which archetype we were (surprise, we're an apartment full of Maximizers). Moreover, the book is engaging, and Logan's look at the end-to-end lifespan of a relationship is a fresh take that distills many dating-related myths, from "sparks" to texting your ex. And in spite of the data-driven lens of the book, you can tell that this is Logan's turf. Her passion behind studying relationships and helping folks find love is both obvious and inspiring, and as somebody with bragging rights of knowing Logan personally (sorry, couldn't resist ¯\_(ツ)_/¯), I think it's so rad that she's actively studying what excites her and sharing it with the rest of us. (Also, if you haven't already, you should check out Logan's beautiful, poignant essay for Modern Love. )

  27. 5 out of 5

    Emily

    I don't love the title of this book - it rather implies that being alone is a bad thing, and also, about 50% of everyone who DOES find a lasting relationship will still die alone anyway because couples do not die at the same time in most cases. And there's nothing in the book about dealing with THAT. I also do not love the author's tendency to make up cutesy portmanteau words for things. However, it's still an interesting read. It's not as statistics-driven as Dataclysm (written by one of the fou I don't love the title of this book - it rather implies that being alone is a bad thing, and also, about 50% of everyone who DOES find a lasting relationship will still die alone anyway because couples do not die at the same time in most cases. And there's nothing in the book about dealing with THAT. I also do not love the author's tendency to make up cutesy portmanteau words for things. However, it's still an interesting read. It's not as statistics-driven as Dataclysm (written by one of the founders of OKCupid) but Ury does pull in some actual science as opposed to just writing about her opinion, and structures the book to provide clear direction and step-by-step suggestions, which seemed like a helpful way to do it. Interesting read and a quick one too so why not take a look if the topic interests you!

  28. 4 out of 5

    Minjeong

    Logan Ury is energetic, opinionated, and funny. The chapters follow a progression, from finding people to date, to dating, and to committing to the partner and nurturing the relationship or breaking up. I appreciated that she is able to provide a broad view of modern dating given her experience in coaching clients and in studying social psychology. The book starts out by speaking to those who are single and looking, while the later chapters are for people who are in relationships. I'd remind mys Logan Ury is energetic, opinionated, and funny. The chapters follow a progression, from finding people to date, to dating, and to committing to the partner and nurturing the relationship or breaking up. I appreciated that she is able to provide a broad view of modern dating given her experience in coaching clients and in studying social psychology. The book starts out by speaking to those who are single and looking, while the later chapters are for people who are in relationships. I'd remind myself and readers to read the social psychology examples with a critical mind; for instance, the study about money and happiness that says that happiness peaks with an income of $75,000 has recently been proven otherwise by a more recent study that looked at money, life satisfaction, and happiness.

  29. 5 out of 5

    Kelsey

    I'm really torn about this book. I think the title is brilliant marketing designed to lure you in and appeals to our core desires. There was a lot of interesting behavioral science information that was informative and well explained. However, I really had a lot of issues with some of the content throughout most of the book, especially the language used around being single and how single hood is framed. I understand that this book is primarily designed for single people to "find their person", bu I'm really torn about this book. I think the title is brilliant marketing designed to lure you in and appeals to our core desires. There was a lot of interesting behavioral science information that was informative and well explained. However, I really had a lot of issues with some of the content throughout most of the book, especially the language used around being single and how single hood is framed. I understand that this book is primarily designed for single people to "find their person", but I felt like there was a bit of shaming for those who are single. There were sections where I felt the author was basically saying a person needs to settle for anyone that is remotely emotionally stable if their goal is to get married and have kids, which I really just think is not a great message. Her breakup and marriage contract chapters were interesting though.

  30. 5 out of 5

    Mari

    Saw Logan's AMA in Reddit and found the excerpts there intriguing. HIGHLY recommend this book not only for single people dealing with the modern dating scene, but also anyone who wants guidance on relationships (whether that's developing them, ending them, etc). I really appreciated the research behind the book and also that Ury was able to draw from so many experiences with her clients to illustrate the point. Even though in my mind, my dating situation is unique from anyone else's, I was able Saw Logan's AMA in Reddit and found the excerpts there intriguing. HIGHLY recommend this book not only for single people dealing with the modern dating scene, but also anyone who wants guidance on relationships (whether that's developing them, ending them, etc). I really appreciated the research behind the book and also that Ury was able to draw from so many experiences with her clients to illustrate the point. Even though in my mind, my dating situation is unique from anyone else's, I was able to apply most chapters to my own life and realize something about the patterns I had/how I could be better approaching things. Sometimes the humor was a bit on the hokey side (or a lot) but I guess it's better than a very dry read. My only real complaint is that it could've been longer!

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